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Dealing With Unrequited Love: You Can Do It

Dealing With Unrequited Love: You Can Do It

“Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you’d been before the fall.”
― Jodi Picoult

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It starts slow. You meet someone, you talk, and over time you bond. They’re a great person, and the more you hang out, the more it starts becoming apparent – you’re in love. The ache of it spreads through you, making you anxious, making you giddy as you imagine getting together, as you fantasize about kisses. But then, over time, you realize the crushing truth – they don’t love you back. Not the same way, at least. A part of you is bewildered (but we’d be such a great couple!), but the other part of you, the insecure part, thinks that, yes, it’s obvious that you’re just not good enough. As feelings of shame and heartbreak bubble up, you despair. What can you do? How can you fix this? 

Confess your feelings
If you haven’t already, confessing your feelings might be a good solution. If you fell for a friend you should probably confess because it’s an honest thing to do, and hearing the rejection from their own lips will ultimately be good for you. Painful, yes, but you’ll know exactly where you stand and it will give you closure. 

Don’t try to change their mind
They are just not that into you. And that’s okay. There’s no one to blame, and it doesn’t mean that you are inadequate or bad in some way, it doesn’t mean you’ll never find love. You just didn’t click and that’s honestly all there is to it. You’re pretty great and we bet that even the person who rejected you knows that you are, but for reasons that are beyond your control, they don’t feel what you want them to feel. Remember, this doesn’t make them bad either. Unless they were leading you on and toying with your feelings, they aren’t the bad guy. As tempting as it is to make them into a villain, don’t. Just don’t give into that negativity, don’t push your problems onto another person. 

Take time to grieve
Crying in your pajamas and eating ice cream all day is absolutely the right way to deal with things! For a few days, just let go and cry. Cry and write cheesy poems and watch sad movies and listen to terrible music. Let it all out, process your feelings, and grieve. And then after that, call your friends. Invite them to hang out, to do something that makes you feel safe and good and loved. Let them shower you with praise and affection.

Keep busy
Engage in your hobbies, or pick up new ones. Use the grieving process to learn a new skill and let a new interest consume you. Use this bad situation to help you grow as a person. It’s a good distraction and it will make sure something good comes out of the whole mess. 

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Date, but without all the disappointment
Dating again and having someone else to think about is one of the vital parts of your recovery. You should go out and about, meet new people and have fun. We know you might be afraid of potential first date disasters and failed expectations, but you can really enjoy the experience if you go prepared. Some of the best first date tips are these: pick something you actually want to do and keep it short. If you don’t want to go to a bar, suggest something you’d enjoy, and make the first date something quick that you can easily abandon if it goes wrong, or prolong it if you’re having a really nice time. It’s important to make sure it’s a low-pressure environment, and that you and the other person have chemistry. Let it all flow naturally, don’t expect anything, and simply relax. 

Let go of the illusion and put some distance between you
We see the people we have a crush on in a sort of a pink haze. Our brains are so high on the feeling that we can barely even entertain the idea that the person we like is less than perfect. But if you allow yourself to take a step back, to put some distance, and to process everything, you’ll start seeing the truth of it: they’re human. Probably a great, interesting human being, but ultimately someone who just isn’t right for you. 

Don’t let negativity consume you. Don’t try to get revenge or to find a way to make them fall in love with you. Simply focus on yourself, on your wellbeing, and on your happiness. Breathe deeply and remember: heartache will pass and you will feel good again. 

 

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